31 now. It’s been quite the year too! Busy, full of both film-related and personal highs and lows. More lows in the latter. Health and financial struggles often taking the forefront, following the huge step of moving out of Yorkshire, and closer to my family support, alongside with everything else.
Granted, one that though restricts me from such future opportunities within that county, but was ideal given our personal circumstances and surroundings at the time.
Even then, before such a big leap, came a series of small steps, which of course is the running theme in today’s wetting.
I’m aware it’s a cliché. Small steps, Footprints In The Sand. The former however is the best way to describe my approach towards my “journey” as well as the day to day. Something I grew accustomed to out of necessity both figuratively and literally.
You see, as a child, I had clumsy motor skills, and according to an observing Educational Psychologist, an “Unusual gait.” Oblivious in my own bubble, I was completely unaware that the reason my feet would always hurt when I walked, was because they were always pointing inwards, pigeon-toed. A sort-of waddle, if you like.
Alongside Speech Therapy for my communication difficulties, I was doubly fortunate enough to receive Physiotherapy at my local hospital, improving my; hand-eye co-ordination, motor skills, and of course, my gait.
But of course, like with all things in life, each opportunity and march of progress came step by step. The steps my Mother had to undertake, to fight tooth and nail for Doctor’s referrals as a means of figuring out why I was the way I was.
The steps that I had to undertake, not with just how to walk, but also how to talk and interact with people, as well as make sense of the seemingly chaotic and confusing environment around me. Negotiating something short-term like a crowded bus journey, or long-term such as gaining care and support, or the path towards my Diabetes diagnosis and treatment.
Also aware I’m not alone. All walks of life, arguably, everyone has their own steps to take (be it, mental, physical or both), as a means of simply functioning or attempting to grasp some semblance of meaning and/or happiness in this very brief period of existence.
Aims, goals, targets, whatever you call them, the fascinating contraption between our ears will try and work out steps towards reaching any that have been set.
To bring it back to something film-related, the feature length script I’ve worked on for 8 years has only just reached a passable draft on the eighth try that I am comfortable enough with to share with people in regards to discourse and (for lack of a better word) further steps towards refinement and potential development.
8 goes over 8 years, whittling it down from a 180 page manuscript that would play out as a disengaging documentary if ever commissioned, to a 70 odd page dramatic story, that – although still a work in progress – has more semblance of a dramatic story than the first draft back in 2014.
Using the previous knowledge and skills of screenwriting learned and observed during University, as well as through my experiences of Writing and Directing short films of my own as well as others.
Such steps towards creative goals will often have the usual obstacles of insecurities and similar inner conflict blocking the way. “What’s the point?”, “Why bother?”, or “Is this even good enough?”.
Having previously attempted multiple times towards a 9 to 5 and “Any old job” that acts a means to an end, the lack of support more often than not, places me on the Unemployment – Temporary Employment – Unemployment Carousel that is seemingly “enjoyed” by everyone and anyone.
Such a process has grinded me down over the years, and always feels incredibly demoralising, hardly helped by those two tenants residing in my house.
It has a knock-on effect on the smallest of tasks at hand, and consequently, plunges my self-being and self-worth into the darkest of places. Desires to simply disappear emerge.
Distraction, exercise or a good diet hardly pull me out of depressive episodes or anxiety attacks. Depressive episodes (like a storm) are something I have to simply let pass. Anxiety attacks are eventually calmed in one way or another, but both share the same overwhelming qualities that make them seemingly impossible to deter or halt.
To throw in one last cliché, it’s seeing how far I’ve come with all the other steps and tasks that can often act as a positive reminder and motivator when wallowing in the mire.
This is easier said than done however, especially when I can be incredibly blinkered, attempting to take larger steps, or becoming too lost within my own head, that likes to remind me of past guilts and regrets.
Of course, I can’t grow too complacent or grateful for accomplishing the minutiae (though for some, getting out of bed can be an incredible feat in itself!), but it’s also learning not to grow too overwhelmed when becoming stuck.
Whether this is due to the financial cripplings of rising energy bills, or realising the possibility of having to retake the Driving Theory Test for a third time, it’s this balance of focusing on the one step in the now, as well as retrospectively looking back on how similar progress has been achieved, still learning, still making mistakes.
Which (for me) has been the most impactful with how to deal with this seemingly chaotic and confusing environment we inhabit, and in turn, finding some likeness of meaning and joy out of this short, but very complex life and world around us.