Regrets. We all have a fair few, too many to mention! But before I think about considering a seque into my “best” impersonations of Frank Sinatra’s croon, or Sid Vicious’ snidey sneer, today’s wetting concentrates on such a subject, and how I’ve personally found difficulties moving forward from them, when such past mistakes and their outcomes seem too stubborn to be left behind.
You’ve probably already guessed by the title, that yes, such a mantra has proven to be somewhat of a comfort to me. Especially as I first heard it said by my Mother to me at a young age. A woman who I remain completely indebted to for going out of her way for myself as well as my siblings, with a no-nonsense approach that I’ve aspired to impart on my own life and well-being.
So yes, the often described platitude has its sentimental origins. Nothing wrong with that, is there? We all have our own esoteric coping mechanisms, our comforts. For me, words and writing them is another, why else would I do this?
I suppose I perceive words, letters and syntax in a way someone with a love of numbers grows fascinated by their equations and sequences. An often maligned stereotype of Autistic people, but it’s the best way I’ve found to describe what draws me to writing, be it prose or scriptwriting.
That, and 9 times out of 10, I’ll find writing something down easier than communicating it off-the-cuff out loud. How the intention of my sentence becomes “lost” between the brain and the mouth, and that I’m perceived as curt, disinterested or perhaps the opposite, even waffling and overbearing at times, especially if Film or Music crops up as the subject!
The huge landfill of regrets that take up a great amount of space in my mind are primarily to do with how I’ve said and done things in an unintentional manner, or intentionally but has been poorly received. You know, those two other clichés to add to the rest; “If I knew then what I know now!” and “I wish I said/done it like this/that!” Or just simply; “I wish I didn’t.”
“Should I have had half a packet of Hobnobs with three cups of teas?” “I could’ve easily cycled today with the energy I had.” etc.
Much like the Great Pacific Garbage Patch, these regrets will never fully go away. I can hide them, sure, distract myself enough from them, but whether it’s to do with my Autism, Depression, or both, I seem to have a ‘Photographic Memory’ of each and every one, which can ironically contribute to more along the way.
Now, I’ve previously remarked about being a “nice guy”. Such an outlook and approach in my teens to early 20’s however, did get me into a spot of bother. At this point of my life, I didn’t unmask. I had this front, to get me through the day, and with this mask, I developed this very strange modus operandi. If I show AND tell people that I’m nice, that will improve my chances at more fulfilling friendships, and possibly a relationship.
This naïve nature does sound implausible, but when you’ve only had under a decade to come to grips with not only Asperger’s Syndrome, but also Anxiety and Depression, what starts as subjectively acceptable actions and behaviour, ends up becoming a steep learning curve and an initially difficult habit turns into one that’s almost broken instantly.
That moment the blinkers are lifted (be it by you – which can happen – or someone else), and you realise that your clumsy multiple texts are making the receipient uncomfortable, or repeatedly declaring “I’m not like them”, will ironically push them away from you and into an assumption that, yes you are like them. Thinking you mean well, but appearing as if you're only telling people what they want to hear, and using them as a means to an end.
In your mind you think; “I’m just passing by their workplace, I might pop in and say hello. Surprise them.”, and then only later on, does it makes sense as to why you’re given the cold shoulder, because such a gesture wasn’t previously established.
I say you, but you know it’s me, and I’m perhaps naïve by accounting such cringe-worthy behaviour in the vaguest of manners. There’s a far lot more worse things to regret though, but I don’t. To name a quick example or three. I dislocated my knee attempting to Air Guitar at a party. I attempted stand-up comedy and was disqualified for swearing too much. I have also been ridiculously deadpan with my lies and sarcasm, that such words have been mistaken to be the truth, often scaring people into switching seats away from me in class.
I regret the social mishaps more, because learning “how to people”, for me seems very important to get right. So when the misunderstandings and faux pas’ multiply, my house of cards for a psyche tumbles.
All of this was all a long time ago though, and I’ve LEARNT from it all. Similarly (funnily enough) to how you learn that “Show, Don’t Tell”, not only applies to constructing scenes and sequences within a Novel, Screenplay or similar artform or medium.
So what has such anecdotal ‘Garbage’ got to do with 4 words often used to shrug a write-off for a day?
Though today’s regrets and mistakes come with me into tomorrow, learning from them, has somewhat helped soften the blow on my well-being. Some weight of this unnecessary baggage is lifted.
Sure, there are times when the weight of such regrets is too much, and will often contribute into Anxiety, Depressive episodes or Meltdowns. And, it can be difficult to “Live in the moment and in the now” when the present is a psychological miasma of self-torment.
For me, the most important thing to do when wading through such sewers is to ensure that the learnt lessons of whatever mistake’s that been made will carry with me through tomorrow and beyond, and that in return it will benefit myself in the long-run.
It’s easier said than done. But taking small steps (pigeon-toed or otherwise) has benefitted myself when dealing with each mistake and regret. There's always tomorrow to put today's failings right. Well, until there's no more tomorrows, but still.