Hyde Park, August 2012 is the image accompanying today’s wetting. Often captioning it with “I won a gold medal, but then I ate it.”
I was there with a friend seeing Blur live as part of a series of music gigs around the celebrations of London hosting the Olympic Games that year.
I choose this as a starting point for a post of reflection of my life over this last decade. There are other moments, but I think this one somewhat helps tie the whole post together. I may write about the decade before, though have already discussed the majority of that in great length.
It’s been argued that at this point in modern history, we’d hit a inimitable period of equality, before fracturing into a worsening dichotomy. Progression becoming regression, and more sloganeering and pessimistic fearmongering on all sides being jammed down our throats.
It could also be argued that such schisms have always existed and have only come to fruition through the exponential growth of modern technology. Endless possibilities initiated on something that can be held in your hands. I.E. “The more things change, the more they stay the same.” ‘The cheeky takeaway’ is at the tap of the fingers of an online paperless menu, not with the paper menu in one hand whilst juggling the handset landline in the other.
But I digress. This is not a Pap-Political essay.
The point is, not only has there been such physical and materialistic changes within our societies, but also the amount of change that has happened with and within myself over the last 10 years, and not just the expansion of Project Beardy Baldy.
Fully aware the world does not revolve around me, you’ve got to at least have some semblance of self-acceptance and awareness of your own identity and personality before absorbing and presenting yourself to others. Being comfortable in your own skin. But through such many changes, have I stayed the same?
Well, my hairline’s been receding before adolescence, and the sooner I accepted that, the better (and easier) it is to simply have no hair on the top. Just means Caps in the summer and Beanies in the winter. 4 years since I braved the shave, and it's an acceptable substitute as opposed to the alternative. You have my Father’s genes to thank!
My weight has always yo-yo’ed, and it’s only in recent years that I’ve discovered what’s gleefully contributed to it. Aside from one too many Hobnobs and Wagon Wheels of course!
Was 21 a better age for me than 31 is now? Yes and no. There was less responsbility and hardship than now, and was in the penultimate year of University, enjoying a family holiday to Lowestoft after the memorable Parklive venture.
It was a warm, seemingly care-free summer, also remembering having to deal with an allergic reaction to a midge bite that caused my leg to swell up, as well as try not to get trampled within the crowds during the likes of Parklife and Intermission!
I’d regularly commute back and forth to my stomping ground of Southend on my Moped, to see friends in between studies, and grow some semblance of a social life alongside events that happened within my family, recently passing my Full Motorcycle License in that year with aspirations to save up for a faster Hairdryer on Wheels.
I was also very naïve, and misguided, with a rose-tinted view of the world to boot. You have to understand that only just over a decade before, I’d learned about my diagnosis of Asperger’s Syndrome (ASD), and was simultaneously; working out who I was, honing and finessing my social and communication skills, as well as trying to deal with the bullying that I let get to me, all ironically as a result of masking, stemmed from a weakening sense of self-belief, both self-inflicted and inflicted on me.
Masking in particular the likes of; busy and crowded places such as public transport, supermarkets, and near the stage of a music venue. Perhaps because I was younger with less responsibilities, I had the energy to spare to be able to grin and bear it. In this day and age, not so much either through age, or 're-wiring' myself to not engage with such draining coping mechanisms. Despite ironically using introspection and reflection to do such that. Make sense of what’s said and done and move on.
But it’s all a learning curve, and the most bitterest of pills I’ve had to swallow, not letting the negativity consume me from the inside out.
So in a way, I’ve always been playing catch-up. On the social side of things, I feel like I’m there learning how to walk whilst others have developed Space Travel.
Much like having to play catch-up on all the Films and TV Shows that I have missed out on watching throughout the years, despite watching anything and everything else during my studies. Could've gone to "live a little" with what little money I have and have had, but simply decided to concentrate on studies instead.
It’s through this naivete and masking, that ultimately became my downfall that drove into my early to mid 20’s.
Genuinely thinking my Final Major Project at University and accompanying degree would help act as a definitive calling card towards Film and TV-related work (or at least the start of it), then stupidly taking such frustrations of getting nowhere out on my place of study (ironically) through a blog.
Further trying to solve my struggles with unemployment and lack of support, by simply ranting about it all. Only when I've been penniless later on did the penny drop that all words and no action mean just that. But at this point of my life in the early to mid 2010's, employment support for any old job or within the Film and TV industry for Neurodiverse people such as myself was seldom seen and very few and far between. To an extent, it still is.
Annoyingly, it’s always in hindsight that I realised (especially at that time) how much of a stubborn and self-absorbed prick I was coming across as online when becoming vexed about such matters. I probably still do and am to some folk now. The only difference these days, is that it won’t provoke a try-hard, apoplectic response.
Such egocentric behaviour towards my career aspirations seeped into my social life. Not displaying my true colours, masked and repeatedly ensuring folk that “I’m a nice guy.”
All that time endlessly wasted pretending to be someone I wasn’t, as a means of pursuing further meaningful friendships and relationships, with dating becoming one and the same to job interviews after falling into the inescapable jaws of the benefits trap post-graduation. One I still find myself in.
And all that time I could’ve refined already learned skills, or took the time to learn new ones that would be of more use to me in the years to come. Regretting not always trusting my gut instincts when it most mattered.
With the addition of Burial’s newer work (of that time) and the discovery of Nils Frahm regularly rotating on my playlist, came the reckoning of unmasking I’ve previously discussed.
Interviews such as this, as well as talks with close friends proved instrumental in this change of my ways and further inclination to remain; open, honest and unmasked.
From who I told, some people reacted indifferently, others were annoyed that I felt the need to mask in the first place. Perhaps one of the first of many small steps on this decade long journey towards self-contentment, and how I can absorb and present what I have to offer to others, career and social-wise.
Repeatedly drifting in and out of London, suited and booted (because that’s clearly where all work exists!) and negotiating the noise of the London Underground, blossomed the next small step. My first and (still only) long-term relationship.
Having also discussed this before, it highlighted my apparent hypocrisy. How I was initially dismissive of long-distance relationships before I became involved in one myself. From there though sprouted the long-term positives amongst the short-term negatives.
Unmasked and completely comfortable around someone else outside of my family and close friends. And how at the time, I ironically wasn’t looking for a relationship, and neither was she! Things just sort of happened, albeit very quickly, having both lived lives full of trouble and endeavours, hers more crippling than mine.
From giving her a simple compliment about her Guns N Roses shirt at the party we met at, to a Black Sabbath gig (once more at Hyde Park), to then becoming a Father, and moving 180 miles away from my family support, happened within a span of 18 months, and soon through my early to mid 20’s, my rose-tinted glasses fell off my face, and a new prescription took their place, having had an 8 year break of not wearing actual glasses.
Through the short-term negatives of; long-distance family support, disconnection from close friends, borderline poverty following unemployment struggles, and fatherhood, came the long-term positives of driving a more personal cathartic steak into the heart of my work, with my Documentaries and subsequent success leading to Snapshot and beyond, even learning ‘actual’ and ‘practical’ life skills along the way!
It seems apparent that my previous work was perhaps missing those life experiences I inevitably went on to have. Not to discredit such previous work or those involved in any way, but, like with life, those certain plot points occur and the lessons you learn from your mistakes helps with your arc, your journey.
Gone are the days of mixing drinks to the point of being sick out of a moving taxi window! Trying too hard to be someone I wasn't, or adamantly drafting a comedy short about a briefcase full of money, convinced that "It will work this time!"
I’m not perfect, and my current circumstances are not the best, but they are far better than what they have been before, all through those times where I felt helpless and powerless, with crippling Anxiety and Depression further weighed down by my guilt and regret of past actions, thoughts and words.
My partner’s Fibromyalgia, means we care for each other in not just a sentimental way, and my daughter approaches her own rite of passage through adolescence thick and fast!
Having moved closer to family support potentially affecting my aspiring filmmaking career’s trajectory, but we needed to move for multiple other reasons to avoid more migraines.
I still have to wade through unemployment, but am less embittered and depressed about it all. The rejections get to me less and less, especially when that one yes out of a thousand no's seems to miraculously appear.
Finding the time to write this and focus on the health of myself and those nearest and dearest has further helped me put everything into perspective, including my approach to; Scriptwriting, Filmmaking and musical side projects.
Cautiously optimistic, aloof, but still open-minded, and finding that strength and willpower to cut out the noise that seems desperate to pull me back into those dark places of before. Depressive episodes of recent compelling me to ideas of drafting this post into something more, well, depressing.
It’s up to you whether you perceive these words as a sign of change, or whether I have remained the same. In some ways, I don’t feel naïve and obnoxious, and in others, I still feel like a pretentious twat.
It’s difficult to pinpoint the growth we have as people until we look back, and observe how the patterns in our behaviour change, with perhaps trickles of our personality and what makes us-us, travelling with us through this linear journey towards the same destination.
As for next time; If I, this, or we, are still here, I’ll let you know how things have been going in 2032!
Whether the next blurry decade is more full of hope and less full of noise. Would be great to go the Blur gig next year to make this somewhat full circle. But have you seen the price of tickets these days?
Besides, I'm hoping to be at Hyde Park at another event with my partner, which in turn would complete the circle of our personal journey and time together before onwards and upwards.
You could say, I did win a gold medal and eat it. But that might not do my glucose levels or weight much good!